


Learning

by Destial



Series: Journal 'verse [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-19
Updated: 2010-09-19
Packaged: 2017-10-12 19:57:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/128483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destial/pseuds/Destial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's got it in his mind that he can keep Sam here with them, somehow. Through sheer force of will, maybe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learning

**Author:** [](http://destial.livejournal.com/profile)[**destial**](http://destial.livejournal.com/)  


>  _Sam left. I told him that if he was going, it was permanent. I meant it._
> 
> \--Excerpt from John Winchester's Journal, August 31, 2002
> 
>   
> 

* * *

They are in Baltimore when Sam says, "I need to get to the bus station. Can you give me a lift?" to Dean over dinner.

John can't say he's surprised because he'd been preparing himself for this moment all week. Sam had told them both months ago when the semester started and for the past two days, he's kept everything he owns in his two duffels.

John isn't sure if Dean didn't notice or if he's just been lying to himself about what that means. He hasn't confronted Sam about it, John knows damn sure of that. Sam has been riding with Dean in the Impala, no exceptions, since he told them about getting into Stanford. Once, John had tried to force the issue, pissed off and pushed a little too far by the hunt they were on. Sam had gotten stony silent, his face closing off so completely it was scary. Dean, beside him, got this spooked look and John had never tried that again. He'd never minded pushing Sam, but it wasn't anything important and it wasn't worth starting something over.

The boys had gotten along far better than John expected, considering Dean's initial reaction to Stanford. Every glimpse he got of them in his truck's rearview mirror was of them laughing or smiling, sometimes just sitting there but never looking mad, never fighting.

Dean's got it in his mind that he can keep Sam here with them, somehow. Through sheer force of will, maybe. Or making it a chore to get to Palo Alto, now on the other side of the country; making it seem better to stay right here, with a brother that he gets along with. John's sure that's why Dean found them this job, a salt and burn of a ghost that isn't even malignant. But Sam hadn't made a fuss about it, so John went along.

Seems Dean's plan is caving in a little.

"What?" Dean asks. John's heart breaks a little because Dean looks honestly confused.

"The bus station, Dean. I need to leave tonight if I want to make it to campus in time to check in and get to my classes. Can you give me a lift?"

"No."

Even Dean looks surprised at the answer.

"Dean," Sam says, voice soft and uncertain. He looks like he did the first time Dean told him no, like Dean has actually said he was angry and didn't love Sam anymore. Dean _doesn't_ tell Sam no, never has denied him anything he's wanted. Sure, sometimes he'd put up a fight, but that's not what this was. "Dean, if I don't go tonight, I'm going to miss my first day of classes."

John feels a spike of anger at that – Sam had put school in front of hunting and family his whole life and it never failed to piss John off. He holds it in, for now at least, because Dean'll be the one to talk him back from this, if he can be talked back.

"You're still going?"

"Of course I'm still going, Dean. Why wouldn't I?"

Dean looks absolutely devastated for a minute before he glances at John and his face closes off.

"I just thought-"

"What Dean? Why would-" Realization blooms across Sam's face. "Is that what the last few months were about?"

Sam's voice had gone cold and John knows in that moment that they've lost him. Dean had mis-stepped; maybe there had never been a path to walk down in the first place. Dean was stumbling, now, falling head over heels but John isn't going to let Sam take him down.

It's freeing, to know nothing he says can make this worse. The worse has already happened so John steps between the boys, chooses to ignore the horror written all over Dean, and takes Sam's icy glare onto himself.

And that's what Sam's fury was when he lashed out, ice so cold it burns. John's glad for that. He doesn't want to feel guilty later.

He looses track of how long they fight. Then Sam's opening that door and John's saying, "You walk out that door, don't bother coming back."

Sam shoulders his duffels and takes a deliberate step over the threshold. With one last murderous look at Dean, he slams the door.

John stares at the door for a long time, gives Dean a few minutes to compose himself, but when he turns back around, Dean is frozen, one hand crushed over his mouth and looking totally wrecked.

"Dean," John says and the boy startles like a frightened animal. His eyes are wild and he only looks at John a few seconds before darting into the bathroom.

Dean came by his ability to deny what was right in front of him honestly, so for the next hour, John ignores the sound of retching coming from the bathroom.

With a sense of detached fascination, he marvels at how ruined Dean must be that he can't even manage to turn the shower on to mask the sounds.

When Dean comes out, he still looks green around the gills and John doesn't really recognize him.

He considers for a moment what to do with this.

"You never hurt your brother," he finally says. It's a statement, but they both know it wants to be a question.

"No sir, never," Dean responds immediately but it's earnest. God damn, it's earnest. The boy hesitates a second, then adds, "Never intentionally."

John doesn't think about that, probably wouldn't be able to if he tried. Instead, he claps Dean, once, on the shoulder and says, "It's okay, son."

And that, there? Forgiving Dean for something Sam had done? That's the hardest thing John Winchester ever has to do.

They go to bed then, abandoning dinner, abandoning everything. John is woken up twice throughout the night by the sound of Dean's sobs. He ignores that too.

In the morning, they don't talk about it. Sam's name is avoided for a while. John thinks Dean may be ashamed and a little disgusted – with himself, with Sam, with John. John understands this; he is too.

He can't look at his son for a very long time.


End file.
